


1000 Things I Will Not Do at Hogwarts

by Maisie_Malfoy



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Don't Try This At Home, Gen, Lists
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-22
Updated: 2017-11-22
Packaged: 2019-02-05 11:16:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12793422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maisie_Malfoy/pseuds/Maisie_Malfoy
Summary: Original idea? Nope. Original list? Maybe. Original oddness? Definitely.





	1000 Things I Will Not Do at Hogwarts

1\. I am not allowed to refer to You-Know-Who as Voldylocks.

2\. I will not search Umbridge's family tree for toads.

3\. I will not force Cho to have a deep heart-to-heart talk about Cedric Diggory.

4\. I will not tell Muggle-born first years that Death Eaters are your friends.

5\. Due to the fact that "abracadabra" sounds very similar to a certain Unforgivable Curse, I am not allowed to say it.

6\. Killing Muggles for the fun of it is called murder, not recreation. There is a very fine line, and I must respect that.

7\. I will not take Hagrid to the zoo.

8\. I will not grab the arms of random Slytherins and parade them around the Great Hall yelling "DEATH EATER! DEATH EATER!"

9\. As a matter of face, I will not do this to anyone.

10\. I am not to start Quidditch matches at inappropriate times and places.

11\. The nickname "Dracy-Poo" is not funny.

12\. Okay, maybe a little bit.

13\. I will not sabotage Hermione in Potions.

14\. Or in any other class.

15\. I will not give Snape a Mandrake as a birthday present.

16\. "Bring a Muggle to School Day" does not exist. I am not to encourage the practicing of such a holiday.

17\. I will not tell the entire school about Neville's parents.

18\. I am not to invite Grawp inside the school for any reason.

19\. Robes are not optional.

20\. I repeat, robes are NOT optional.

21\. I am not to advocate the S.P.E.W. cause during school hours.

22\. I am only allowed to have an owl, a cat, or a toad. I may not keep a dementor as a pet.

23\. Open-wand night does not exist.

24\. I am not to bring Muggle technology to school. This means no computers, no cell phones, and no iPods, to name a few.

25\. "Accio" is not The Force.

26\. I am not to imply that it is.

27\. I will not take pictures of Slytherin girls and market it as "Voldemort's Secret"

28\. If I am asked in a DADA (or any other) class what Avada Kedavra does, I will no longer get up and demonstrate.

29\. I will not take away house points from Muggle-borns.

30\. I will not sing "Weasley is Our King" for any reason unless a Weasley is crowned the king of some foreign country.

31\. I am not to sneak in Muggle weapons under my robes.

32\. I will not announce that Dumbledore is going senile.

33\. As such, I will not kidnap Dumbledore in the middle of the night and admit him to a Muggle nursing home.

34\. I will not kidnap Hermione because I think she secretly belongs in Ravenclaw.

35\. As such, I am not to move students in any House around.

36\. I will not give out Puking Pastilles in Hogsmeade.

37\. I will not sing "We're off to see the wizard!" for any reason.

38\. I am to assume yelling "BAM!" every time I Apparate is distracting and not allowed.

39\. I will not sneak butterbeer in from Hogsmeade and give it to the house-elves. Especially not Winky.

40\. I will not cause a mass breakout from Azkaban.

41\. Or St. Mungo's, for that matter.

42\. Or anywhere.

43\. I will not put up a Guess Dumbledore's Age booth when he goes out.

44\. Said booth will not start at 366.

45\. Hagrid is not the BFG.

46\. Dumbledore is not Willy Wonka.

47\. No Roald Dahl character is involved with HP at all.

48\. I will not search Snape's belongings to see if he ever got a love letter from Lily.

49\. Nor am I to ask him about this.

50\. I am not to draw a Harry Potter scar on my forehead.

51\. Or anyone else's.

52\. I am not to get a Voldemort tattoo for any reason.

53\. I will not tell a bunch of lies in order to get the prefects sent to Azkaban.

54\. Asking Dumbledore to the Yule Ball is not allowed.

55\. Quidditch is not to be played indoors for any reason.

56\. I am not to send anyone to St. Mungo's.

57\. I will not perform the Cruciatus Curse on anyone just to send them to St. Mungo's.

58\. "It was Voldemort's idea!" is not a good way to get out of trouble.

59\. I will not declare my undying love for Rita Skeeter.

60\. If Muggles wanted me to give them a ride on my broomstick they would have said.

61\. I will not perform daily showings of Potter Puppet Pals in the Gryffindor common room.

62\. Especially if that is not my House.

63\. "Ding Dong, The Witch Is Dead!" is NEVER an appropriate thing to sing.

64\. I am to assume anything related to the Wizard of Oz is inappropriate and not allowed.

65\. I will not accuse Ron of being in love with Fleur Delacour just so I can watch his face turn red.

66\. If I hear Snape singing "When I Was Your Man" in the shower, I will not spread rumors that he's singing about (gasp!) Harry's mother.

67\. Even if it's true.

68\. I will not bring in Voldemort as the new DADA teacher.

69\. Even if he doesn't kill anybody.

70\. There are many good answers to put down when applying to the Ministry of Magic and they ask "Who was your greatest influence at Hogwarts?" Anyone who died before I was born is not one of them.

71\. Voldemort is not my dad.

72\. Snape is not my dad.

73\. Dumbledore is not my dad.

74\. My dad does not attend Hogwarts.

75\. The Room of Requirement cannot be used as a place to kill Umbridge without anyone finding out.

76\. If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 13.5 seconds, I am only allowed to use it during the annual Hogwarts Students v. Death Eaters battles.

77\. But ONLY on the Death Eaters.

78\. I will not bring in a bomb as a Muggle Studies project.

79\. If Snape takes away my House points, I will not tell him what he can do with his wand.

80\. Sirius Black is not Middle Eastern. As such, I will not accuse him of "taking the veil"

81\. Even inside my head.

82\. If I write a scathing review of Hogsmeade on the Wizarding equivalent of the Muggle website TripAdvisor, I will not be allowed back.

83\. I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I see myself killing her, even if that's exactly what I see.

84\. I do not have a blobfish Patronus.

85\. Those things are really ugly, so I do not really want one.

86\. Muggles are not allowed to "drive under the influence". Wizards are not allowed to "fly under the influence"

87\. When in the presence of Muggles, I must not fly at all.

88\. I will not enchant Bludgers to hit the nearest Slytherin full in the face.

89\. Wizards do not practice human sacrifice.

90\. Especially not first-year sacrifice.

91\. I will not send Luna Lovegood to the insanity ward at St. Mungo's.

92\. Even if she IS a little loony.

93\. I will not enchant the Sorting Hat to Sort everyone into a fictional fifth House.

94\. I will also not enchant it to yell at the Slytherins, "Your parents are Death Eaters! Get out of here!"

95\. I will not bring a picture of Ariana into Dumbledore's office and scream at him, "YOU KILLED HER!"

96\. And if I do and he asks me where I got the picture from, I will not say I stole it from Snape during detention.

97\. I will not throw things at the ghosts to watch things go through them.

98\. Harry Potter is not my boyfriend.

99\. I must not lead an army of house-elves against Voldemort.

100\. Shouting "Accio Voldemort!" is never appropriate and is likely to get me expelled.


End file.
